Tired. Sad.

September 18, 2009

Blah, I don’t want to turn this journal into a place where I whine, but…that’s all I’m feeling right now. Tired and sad. Tired of my brain being locked on one thing, sad for what I’ve lost in my life. I really don’t know what to do with myself.

Today I went to UIC’s pool for the first time on an impulse. It was a lot of fun, actually. They have this big setup with a “river” and several whirlpools with jets and bubbles that are focused on various parts of your body. It reminded me of a tiny version of this place called Thermopolis that I used to go to in France with my first host family, the Rinasses. This place was huge though, and full of “thermal water” meaning it had a bunch of minerals in it that made it good for your skin (supposedly). It was really nice and warm and it was full of rivers and pools and jets and waterfalls. It was a great place to go to relax. They also had huge steam rooms that smelled like mint (buried in these fake caves and fake egyptian-looking rooms), sauna’s, hot and cold baths, and hot rocks to lay on. It was very hoity-toity, but very nice none-the-less. We would go there on Friday evenings at the end of the week and just swim around for like two hours, then drive half an hour home and just sleep like babies. I guess UIC’s version felt a little small compared to that memory, but I still found it enjoyable and a bit relaxing. I jumped from the hot tub to the cool river to the jet baths and back to the hot tub a bunch of times. I usually really like steam rooms, but theirs was much too hot for me.

And then I tried to go downtown to work but discovered that I got there too late–my key apparently doesn’t unlock the door to my cubicle room once everyone else leaves. I had a really great conversation with a friend and then just headed home, feeling silly about the whole thing.

I keep going through these cycles of feeling ok and feeling totally not ok these days, and going home today I was in a moment of feeling really terrible. I’m so grateful for my roommate though. She made tacos for all of us–Devin is home tonight (he works out of town four days a week). Then after just chatting for a while she decided to work on project of making the walls to my room reach all the way up to the ceiling (a tall order, it requires shaping dry wall around pipes and accommodating a rounded wall. Not easy.) while I tried to feel okay, read a bit in my room, and talked with more friends.

Does this all sound pathetic? I guess I’m going through a grieving process. I just read through the stages of grief (never looked at them before) and realized I’m going through a lot of them. I’ll be okay, I think I just need to…wait. I think time just needs to work its magic on me now.

I’m realizing several things. 1. Life is hard. Sometimes you get put into unfair situations and no one is going to help you fix them. Sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is make choices when you don’t want to. I’m an indecisive person so I’m always second guessing myself, putting off making a choice, worrying over choices I’ve made…so life is very hard for me at the moment. My future is very uncertain and in fact, my desires for my future are very uncertain. 2. The fastest way to grow up is to really really want something and not get it. It teaches you to cope and teaches you about whats really important.

I know what I want to be happy. My ideal life would consist of three important parts: 1. having a job that keeps me creatively active along with hobbies that engross me and that I enjoy, 2. have a supportive and loyal group of friends that I love spending time with, and 3. having a compatible and loving partner to walk through life with. Right now I sort of have one of those (though the jobs don’t pay all THAT well) but I’m kind of missing the other two. I do have lots of loving friends, I should say, just none of them are in Chicago, which sucks.

But I think just shooting for that is a good start for me right now. Also, shooting for a bit of mental clarity and self-confidence. I’m learning, right now, that I’m strong (even when I fail. I think I’m failing a tiny bit less every day).

I think that’s all to say. I feel lonely, so I’m going to watch trashy TV with my roommates because I want the companionship. They’re watching freaking Housewives of Someplace. Hopefully I can get them to watch Project Runway after that. It starts in fifteen minutes.

Sigh. Hey life. Hey.

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