The Cracks Don’t Count, Its Gotta Break in Front of Me

September 25, 2009

Title is taken from the lyrics of the Vanessa Carlton song, “Fools Like Me.”  I LOVE the whole album that song comes from (Heroes and Thieves).  It’s a weird album for me though, because I got really hooked on it during this strange, transitory period of my senior year in college and so listening to it (which I’m doing right now) brings back all kinds of weird and powerful memories for me.  I guess all the music I really like is like that–marked by the period of my life in which I discovered it or listened to it a lot.

I’ve started listening to music again, and I’m finding that listening to old favorites is what I seem to be wanting to do right now.  Today at work I went through a few of my favorites from this CD.  I also listened to my two favorites from Ben Folds University A Capella CD (Magic and Landed), and just a few randoms, like I Believe in a Thing Called Love, Umbrella,…etc.  It feels good to open up these channels again.  I wrote some poetry yesterday too, and that felt wonderful (even if it’s not my best work ever).

Yesterday.  Work was uneventful, as was my poetry workshop.  We all have to do presentations on the poetics of some poet we like.  I’m not sure what I’ll do mine on.  Maybe Emma Bolden.  She’s relatively unknown, but I just read a chapbook of hers from Dancing Girl Press, The Sad Epistles, that I thoroughly enjoyed.  We have to compare the work to our own and I think she and I write a bit similarly, though I tend to be a bit more narrative in my poetry than she does.

After that I actually went Irish dancing.  A friend of my old roommate Dave has been inviting me to various Irish dance things throughout the past year, and last night I decided to take her up on one of them since its been a while.  I met up with her and two other girls who seem to be at about my level (maybe a bit better since they all went to schools) north of Wicker Park.  They rent a dance studio and give Irish lessons, and afterward just dance around for an hour, doing more advanced stuff than they teach their students.  It felt pretty great to just put on my shoes again and do some old steps.  We learned a slip jig step together that was relatively easy (compared to some of the stuff Katie used to teach us :)!) and then did a hornpipe.  I suck at hornpipes because all we ever did in our performance group were reels (much faster and more difficult but much showier).  This hornpipe was really simple but I sucked at it and it kind of got me to thinking about how you have to learn to crawl before you can walk.  I’m not too bad at Irish, but I have all sorts of problems that girls who go to schools don’t have–I can treble very VERY fast but my turnout is horrible and I often have terrible posture.  I can’t do the slow stuff, only the fast stuff.  Because I never took the time to learn things totally correct the first time, I’m always having to go back and correct little things.  My life is kinda like that right now, I’m have to go back start from scratch.  I want to just get up and run right now, have everything be perfect, but I guess I have to do the little things right now in order to have the big things right later.  I guess I’ve always viewed living a successful life like tending a garden.  You’ve got to sow seeds before you can have plants.  You have to plan correctly, you can’t neglect things, you can’t take too many days off.  You’ve got to give each plant what it needs individually and you have to design the garden so it makes a balanced whole.  Yeah yeah, just a big metaphor.  But still, it’s helped in times like this when I’m just sort of skating along, trying to build things in soil that’s been stagnant for a while.

Anyway.  The girls there were all really nice and I’m happy to have met them.  One of them, Kelly, is a model at Elite.  When she told me I was like, dang…I’ve never met a model before.  She had just died her hair red because they needed her to have it red this season apparently.  What a lifestyle.  Anyway, she started asking me questions about my height and my size.  I told her and she was like…you know…you should really stop in at Elite one day.  Have you done any modeling?  There’s open calls.  And I was like, really?  A model telling me I should be a model?  What an enormous complement!  I don’t know if modeling would be my thing–I mean, don’t think I’d dig the whole “change your hair to whatever we say it should be” thing, and I feel like I’d be really pressured to lose weight, something I also wouldn’t want to be pressured into.  Also, I used to have some serious body image problems, and I have a bit of an issue taking part in the whole industry that helps that problem along.  I mean, if I became a model I really would probably have to lose weight to stay competitive, but honestly I’m a healthy weight now and I look just fine as I am, so why should I have to change my body to fit someone else’s idea of whats beautiful?  Plus, the idea of using my body to sell products and make money somehow seems not ok to me…maybe I’m too much of an idealist or something but it’s just how I feel.  Who knows though, feelings can change and maybe one day I will wander into Elite just to see what’ll happen.  Regardless, I was really flattered.

So anyway, after that I just chilled with Amanda–we ran into each other on the Madison bus which never seems to happen to me (I mean, having people I know hop on to the same bus I’m on), and had some good girl talk.

Today was a busy day at the cultural center.  I’m redesigning the Chicago Publisher’s Gallery website among other things.  I came home and sat down on the couch (feeling kinda sad, I’ll admit) and just passed out.  Not entirely sure why I was so tired, but now it’s midnight and I don’t really feel very much like going to bed.  :/.  It was a good nap though, and I woke up to cats batting around at me.  Ballet didn’t work out tonight so I just ended up hanging around, watching a bit of TV with my roommate Devin who is back in town, and relaxing.  These down times are a bit hard on me, but I’m getting through them.  I’ve just got to keep remembering to build the things I want in my life, and right now I want a solid thesis, two good jobs, a masters degree, a few hobbies to make me happy (like dance and yoga), and some good friends.  We’ll see about more later.  In any case, it’ll be nice to Irish dance every once in a while (though I have no intention, and honestly no time, to dance like I did with Leim.  I think it’ll be a nice supplement to ballet, a nice little reminder of how far I’ve come with dance already when I’m stumbling around, trying to remember to use my arms.)

I guess that’s it for now.  This weekend I’m going to Cedar Point with my friends Sarah and Vanessa and some of Sarah’s family.  I’m pretty excited.  Tomorrow is a long day of work (and maybe the aqua center for lunch?) followed by a megabus ride back to Ann Arbor for a brief night before heading down to Ohio on Saturday.

I hope you’re all doing well!

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